Sunday, July 09, 2006

Borders Corporate Addresses The True Threat To The Workplace

The new employee handbook...I'm sorry, field guide, has been released to Borders stores everywhere, so be sure to be on the lookout for new and improved quality service from your local friendly booksellers. It's the usual stuff mostly, "new and exciting paradigm," "engage the customer," "be familiar while embracing exciting changes," and similar such bullshit. One of the useless cosmetic changes is that now all employees are officially "booksellers," instead of being a bookseller, or a cafe seller, a register clerk, etc. Having the right label is apparently key to properly embracing new paradigms.

Anywhozen, the real meat of the handbook, wherein Borders addresses the most serious threat to the modern workplace, is where the field guide spells out its policy on blogging, the tool of the devil and all would-be destroyers of worlds.

Ignore the highlighted part for now...I'll get to that in just a moment. I just don't get it...we're a fucking bookstore chain, I just don't see why there is a need for a blog policy. It's as if the people who get paid (too much) to write this dren felt left out when they saw all the big important companies making headlines for firing people over discussing company-eyes-only stuff on their blogs. Still, I love the bulleted items of the policy. First off, out computers are the very definition of "ass," short of having a small orifice for expelling waste. We don't even have the capability to connect to most of the internet outside of a very small set of selected addresses. On top of that, how exactly is "do not use company time to blog" not covered by the more general and all-encompassing "hey dumb ass, don't dick around while you're on the clock?"

The anti-discrimination thing, covered more explicitly in other parts of the field guide, basically means, don't be racist, sexist, homophobic, etc, to a fellow co-worker on your blog. Personally, if someone wants to call me a "filthy faggot" on his or her blog then that's their right, and it's not Borders' place to step in and fire that person as a result. Besides, who doesn't enjoy a nice healthy blog war?

The highlighted part is the best, making you think that the (over-paid) person writing this must not have completely known what he was talking about. I really don't even have to explain it: I'm told to respect fair use, and then in the same sentence, I am forbidden from using Borders logos in my blog. Just so we're clear on which logos those are:

In other news, someone must have forgotten to carry the 2 or something because I was selected as employee of the month. Whoop-dee-floofle-doo. Although, the $25 gift card and lunch with my boss isn't bad.


Blogger Zeroes said...

Oh please oh please oh please find a more rewarding and dignified job. Have you considered Court Jester or Guy That Cleans Up Puke In Hotel Bathrooms? I hear there's an opening for Sewage Crawler down in SF. I'm pretty certain they don't have a blogging policy.

12:40 AM  
Blogger zortnac said...

You have to admit though, that would just be comedy gold, a bloggin policy for the puke cleaner upper, or for the guy who cleans up jizz out of those private rooms at porn shops.

10:55 AM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Randal: Do you know how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?

Dante: What's a jizz-mopper?

Randal: The guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.

Dante: "Nudie booth?"

Randal: Yeah, nudie booth. You ever been in a nudie booth?

Dante: Guess not.

Randal: Oh, man, it's great. You go into this booth, and there's
this glass between you and these chicks. And they put on a show for you for, like, ten bucks.

Dante: What kind of a show?

Randal: Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body. Any opening.

Dante: Can we not talk about this now?

Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load. Practically everybody does it right on the window. I don't know if you know this, but cum leaves streaks
if you don't clean it right away.

Customer: I will never come to this place again!

Dante: Excuse me?

Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers... You both should be fired!

Dante: Oh, I-I'm sorry. I guess we kinda got carried away.

Customer: I don't know if sorry can make up for it... You've highly offended me.

Randal: Well, if you think that's offensive, [holds up pornographic magazine centerfold] check this out.

Customer: Oh! [screaming]

Randal: I think you can see her kidneys.

Dante: Why do you do things like that? You know he's only going to come back and tell the boss.

Randal: Who cares? That guy's an asshole. Everybody that comes in here is way too uptight. This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

3:26 PM  

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