Saturday, October 29, 2005

Staying In Santa Barbara Is So Pase

My friends have a tendency to leave and move on to bigger and better things. 4 of my friends have since left for Utah for various reasons, and now another friend is leaving for Oregon. I wish him the very best. Problem is, and I'm not quite sure how to put this, is that I'm really stressing over him leaving. Maybe stressing isn't the right word...let's just say I'm pretty damn sad about it and it's affecting me more than I thought it would. I think it's safe to say I've developed a thing for this person, because I don't know how else to explain why I'm just so fucking happy when in his company. About a year and a half ago, when I was dumb and stupid and what have you, I started developing a mild crush for this person and told him "I liked him." Yeah. Way to go me, bring out the high school antics with a force. His response was expected and understandable, basically, "not gonna work kid," with reasons cited at the time. So here's where I now stand: he's back from having lived in Texas for a while, he's my friend so we've been hanging out, and this seriously inconvenient infatuation hits me like a projectile sumo wrestler (they're everywhere). The first time around it was, "wow, you're terribly attractive, you're funny, and you're a nerd...can we date?" Insert a year's (plus) time, and again with the feelings, only this time it's "wow, all that other stuff I said before and on top of that, let's do stuff together every day!" Yeah. I'd creep me out too.

But it's cool. I've got a handle on this, largely thanks to Mr. Reality-with-a-bullhorn at my side. First, he's leaving in a matter of days for Oregon. Secondly, even if he wasn't, I have to honestly admit I don't think he'd be interested in starting something with me anyway (I believe he's dropped subtle hints because he's far from dumb and I think he can definitely tell what's going on). Absorbing those facts leaves me in the position of saying, fuck it, I'm making the most of what I have anyway. I've been having a total blast with him and I'm thankful for it, and I plan on enjoying as much of whatever time left there is to hang out before he leaves. I also plan on telling myself to stop being such an internal drama queen about it all. I suppose it can't be considered internal drama and thought since I've written it in this blog, but no one reads this shit anyway so WTF mate. Wait why the hell am I even writing this. If I have a "handle on things" I wouldn't be e-bitching about it would I?

...I wonder if I'm totaly or just mildly kidding myself by holding out the hope that maybe he'll make out with me someday. Wait, I think the better question is why the fuck am I thinking things like this when I know on a higher level of all the stories of friendships being fucked by someone wanting to take it further. I am going to SUE whoever is responsible for making things this complicated. I'm an American after all, it's my duty to sue.

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